Thoughts

Candles flickering, steam rising from a cup of tea, softly snuggling into the new year. The Christmas decorations have come down, save for a set of fairy lights that I’ve stubbornly refused to put away. The magic of the festive season may have been put away for another 11 months, but there’s a glimmer of the magic that continues.

The candles we light to tide us through the cold months of winter add a little (needed) warmth to each day. Before we know it, we will start to see nature unfurling, new buds beginning their slow blossoming. These months are only temporary, yet they give time and space for moments of connection with those we love; when better to talk over hot drinks than when it’s cold outside?

I don’t know where I am at the moment; I’m in that weird in-between place, waiting for things to sink in. This week brought news that shattered the heaviness of the past few months, splintering the ice that was spreading. It might not feel true at this moment, but it will over the coming weeks, hopefully. There is still a mountain to climb, but I am strangely excited for the hike; rather than letting fears and doubts slip in, I want to enjoy this journey. Whilst the diagnosis of PCOS in the summer triggered some grief, and then the complication gave some rolling months of uncertainty, I have reached a place wherein I am trying to learn and implement as much as I can – this doesn’t have to be scary, it can be life-affirming.

We have to be gentle with ourselves. Throughout this journey, I need to be my own biggest advocate, my loudest cheerleader, as well as a nurturing parent to myself. It will be a journey of listening to my body, adapting and adding/subtracting wherever necessary. There may be times I fall down, but I won’t stay down. Balance. For all the days (or moments, sometimes it doesn’t last long) when sadness envelopes you, have days to counteract it. Days where you actively pursue the things that make you happy. Be intentional.

Things keep touching me with their beauty. Something I keep noticing is the way the streetlights play with the bare trees, I adore watching the shadows dance on the pavement. They are just as beautiful now as in the summer, when they are full with greenery, and the light is often dappled. Searching for magic in the winter is possible, and I promise, it won’t be long at all until we find those buds. Nature is working away.

My thoughts are fragmented. I want to catch them all, and pour them into my words, but I need to be patient. I need to give it time. The words will come.

Looking back and looking forward are both important, and I still feel like I need to carve out some time to reflect on the year gone by…and then look to the year ahead. For me, this will mean slowing it down, giving myself some space and the freedom to let my thoughts run wild. Amongst all of the reflection and planning, I also want to remember to be present.

Candles flickering,
steam rising from a cup of tea,
softly snuggling into the new year.

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Best of You

Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

~ Best of You, Foo Fighters

Where do I start, how do I even begin to tell the story? The story of this past year, the past few years? How can I even attempt to chart the course of the mountains and valleys; in one go, it’s impossible. The logical thing to do would be to focus on each chapter, even though many of them bleed into one another. There are words that need to be written, that need to be released from my heart, and then my soul can be free.

Hope has been lost and found many times over. Walking through fire in this season, but with hope intact – for the most part. My spirit has not been broken this year, and I am not afraid to say that I am proud of my resilience. Other years broke me, crushed me down and I lost myself in the fog of depression. This year, though it will go down as one of the hardest years, didn’t break me. I am bruised, yes. Scarred. Slightly battered. But my heart, my heart is roaring.

A fire is raging. A fire I am not going to put out. No, I will let it flame and burn. The warmth is fuelling some of my dreams. These dreams feel precious, and my hope is that they will change the lives of others; the light from these dreams will change my life, too. They have been birthed over a number of years, grown and morphed until they began to sparkle with opportunity.

That is the key; opportunity. Oftentimes, we may think that opportunity is something we have little control over…yet, the opposite is true. We can create our own opportunities. It happens when we have a dream, when we join forces with others…and when we put those dreams out into the world with a plan. We can change the world – the wide world, and our smaller, personal worlds – when we work together to achieve something we believe in.

There have been many, many days and weeks this year that have scared me. Days when fear threatened to pull me down. Weeks and months of uncertainty. Somehow, we made it through. At this moment in time, I am in another period of uncertainty, but I have learnt my strength. I know that whatever happens, I will get through it; and I am unbelievably grateful for the beautiful souls in my life – friends, family, the boy, and the wonderful souls I have connected with via online communities. There are some truly amazing people in this world. We are never as alone as we think we are.

We all have a light within us, and perhaps one of our greatest tasks in life is to discover that light. Nurture it. Grow it. Then…send it out into the world. When we find and use our light, brilliant things happen.

Keep going. Find your best self. It was within you all this time.

I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

~ Best of You, Foo Fighters 

This is where we begin.

A moment that begs to be recorded.

The words that swirl, round and round, until you write them out.

For the lightning strikes of inspiration; seconds of magic.

This space, here, is the next step.

Back in 2008, I started my blog: Stars and Rainbows. Life happened, years went by, with my young heart pouring out into the blogosphere. There came a time when the girl I was, and the woman I became, though one and the same, needed to part. Somewhere along the way, my writings began to split into a then and now.

For the past year, I had been blogging in a new home…yet it did not feel quite right. The freedom wasn’t there. I had boxed myself in, with self-imposed limitations.

My soul yearns to write. It is one of the ways I make sense of this world.

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

The Stars and Rainbows Journal is the second chapter of Stars and Rainbows.

Let’s begin.